First Times (ER)

(by Judy)

Disclaimer:

The characters Kerry Weaver and Kim Legaspi belong to Warner Bros. No copyright infringement is intended.

Pairing: Kerry/Kim

Rating: NC-17

Spoiler: None.

Episode: The story takes place after "Rock, Paper, Scissors" (Season 7).

What am I doing here? What is happening? How did I get here?
I don’t know.
All I know is that I came here driven by one thought: I don’t want Kim to leave my life.
We had become so close in such a short time. To say that I would not exactly win the prize for the most approachable person would be the understatement of the year. But she left me no choice with her outgoing way, her disarming smile, her gentle voice...
We were comfortable together, we had a lot in common, we had fun together... Well, that’s exactly what I told Kim the day when... Okay, that’s something I don’t want to reflect upon right now.
Anyway, spending time with Kim had become a habit I enjoyed immensely.
Until it was over.
I would never have thought it possible how much I’ve missed her in those last weeks. It’s hard to believe it hurt so much to feel that distance between us, to have her avoiding me.
I know it’s been my fault. I know I haven’t treated her fairly – even though everything inside me wanted to be close to her.
Why is it so hard to open up towards those emotions, to act upon them? Somehow it seemed so much easier to shout at her, to threaten her. Why is it that these things come to me more naturally than giving in to my soft, gentle feelings? Well, I guess this is a possibility to become close to someone without getting hurt.
But do you really think Kim could hurt you? I really don’t trust people easily, but this is different with Kim. With her, I’ve been feeling comfortable from the very start. For the first time in my life, I have a feeling that I have finally found someone I can share anything – everything with.
The thought of losing her is unbearable to me. I’d like her to stay. And that’s what I told her.
I’m feeling that if she said *no* right now, she would make me crumble and fall. I don’t dare to think about how I’m supposed to survive without her. But I can’t help it. I have to take that risk. Whatever it takes.
Out eyes meet again, and I’m looking into those deep blue eyes I’ve come to know so well over the last months. Kim is studying me, intensely, speculatively, as if to learn my intentions by this one look alone.
Don’t say no... Oh, please, don’t... I just couldn’t bear it.
I can feel her hand in mine. When did I take it? I can’t remember. But it feels good, this touch. It bridges the gap between us.
And then, I sense her second hand grasping mine. Anxiously, I’m waiting for her reaction.
I can see a tiny smile hesitantly spreading out on Kim’s lips. And she simply says: ”Yes.”
Thank God. A huge stone is off my chest. My breath escapes my mouth. I was not aware I was holding it.
I’m looking fully at Kim, who’s smiling warmly at me now. She’s looking relieved as well.
One more chance – I have to make the best of it. But there’s only one thing to do right now anyway, I guess. ”I think we should talk, though...”
She agrees. ”Yes, I guess you’re right. But...” She stops in the middle of her sentence.
I look around. For the first time since I entered the diner – an eternity ago, it seems – I notice my surroundings. It’s not very crowded at the moment; only a handful of people are sitting at the tables or the bar.
Nevertheless, it’s not the right place for a private talk.
”But not here”, I finish Kim’s words.
Now she’s grinning broadly at me. God, how I missed her smile!
”That’s what I was about to say, yes”, she confirms. ”Let’s go somewhere else – a place where it’s a little more quiet...” She hesitates, again.
Of course. We’re about to leave neutral territory here. But it seems we *have* to.
I take a decision. ”Why don’t we go to my place? It’s just a little tiresome to get there at the moment because of the roadworks – I have the impression that there’s at least a thousand of them!” I make a face.
Kim laughs – a wonderful sound. ”Well, under those circumstances, I would suggest we go to my place. Okay? We can take my car, if you like. Let me just gather my things together, and we can leave.” She doesn’t even wait for my answer, but is already picking up her paperwork, finally letting go of my hand, which makes me miss her touch immediately.
Her enthusiasm makes me smile. Yes, we can make it so – everything you like, as long as we do it together.
I take my own pile – and almost drop it when a cry out of Kim’s mouth startles me. ”Kerry, what happened to your coat?” She points at my sleeve. My glance follows her finger, and I discover an indefinable dark liquid spread out all over it. Damn, how did that happen?
”Great, I just had taken my other coat to the cleaners...” Then a thought comes to my mind. ”Actually, I picked it up yesterday after work and forgot to take it out of the car. Let me change before we go...”
Since it turns out that we have parked our cars on the same parking level of the hospital parking lot, changing doesn’t mean too much trouble before I get into Kim’s waiting car.
Now I’m sitting next to Kim in her car, and we’re going to Kims’s house.
That’s it. There’s no way back. I know that our relation is going to change today – will *have* to, maybe – and I can’t say I’m not afraid of the consequences. But I’m happy to be here with Kim, and everything else will be all right. I hope...

* * *

It‘s not a dream. I resist the urge to pinch my arm while taking a curve of the street.
No, this is not one of those hot, wet dreams from which I used to awake feeling hollow and disappointed. I’m not dreaming, it is true. The woman of my dreams is sitting next to me, so close I only would have to stretch out my hand to touch her. Oh, I want to do that more than anything else... But I do my best to keep my hands in check. After all, I want to take my precious freight home unharmed. An accident would be all I needed – maybe we’d be taken to County!
I can’t help grinning at that thought.
Kerry looks at me, with a questioning expression on her face, one eyebrow arched. But her iridescent eyes are bright. I smile at her, happy to have her here, with me.
What did just happen? Thirty minutes ago, I was lonely and sad, feeling as if I had lost a basic component of my life. And now, I feel whole. Whole, excited, and happy.
Just because Kerry came to me and asked me to stay. I said yes – of course I did. Even though I didn’t want to, didn’t want to be hurt again. But I just wasn’t able to refuse it to her – wasn’t able to refuse her *anything* when she was looking at me that way, with those incredible grey-green eyes...
Damn, who gave her that control over me?
The intensity of my feelings for her scare me more than just a little. How was this woman able to bypass my defenses so easily? When she came looking for me at ‘Doc Magoo’s’, putting on my psychiatrist mask in order to keep away from her has been of no use any longer. I’d been too involved already – way, way too involved.
I didn’t want to let her into my life, didn’t want to give her so much power over me. There’s only one problem, though: I already *had*, some months ago. It’s much too late...
It’s like we have bonded on a level far beyond my understanding. I guess that’s why it hurt so badly when she made clear that she didn’t want a relationship. That emotional rollercoaster was more than I could possibly bear. Approach, avoidance, aggression...
I never thought – I didn’t dare to hope any more that Kerry would make up her mind.
But well, she has, and here we are.
*I’d like you to stay.* Her words are reverberating in my head. She looked so vulnerable when speaking them, afraid I could leave her. And I can still feel her grip on my hand, as cold as ice, but determined. It was the first time she has taken my hand.
My heart skipped then – now, I feel it accelerating in my chest only thinking about her touch.
What’s going to happen now?
We agreed to leave the diner and go to a more quiet, undisturbed place in order to talk without any interference. And we agreed that my home is closer, so we chose my place. Just to talk.
Yeah, right, and the Pope is not a Catholic. It was the classic ‘Your place or mine‘ question – even though Kerry may not have been aware of the irony of the situation.
As for me, I don’t think I can wait much longer. I just need to touch her...
Yes, I am a very physical person, I like to touch people – women, to be exact. Maybe that’s one of the reasons for my long list of ex-girlfriends.
But this is much more than just physical attraction. It is different this time. *She’s* different.
Kerry is very smart, just brilliant, she’s witty and charming, she’s really passionate about the things she cares for. She’s sensitive and extremely warmhearted, something that might come as a surprise to some of her colleagues as she doesn’t show it to everybody. She’s incredibly beautiful, but I don’t think she’s aware of it. She’s the strongest woman – mentally – I’ve ever known. She’s extremely intense – I can’t think of a better word – in everything she does. She’s just special. And she’s sooo hot...
Yes, I know what Christy would say. I can see her rolling her eyes before my mind’s eye. But she is wrong this time. Kerry is not just another straight woman I’m falling for! This time, it is different. Since I first met her, there has been an incredible, almost magic connection between us. It’s like humming electricity coming into existence each time we meet. No wonder I thought Kerry was gay!
After all, there was nothing wrong with my instincts, I guess.
I remember our kiss. The first one – the only one. I surprised her, didn’t give her the opportunity to make more excuses. I confronted her with my feelings, directly, imminently. Feelings don’t lie – not even with Kerry Weaver, Chief of Emergency. I’m recalling her catching her breath – then she surrendered to my caressing. Her lips against mine, so soft, so sweet... It was just for a second, but long enough to convince me that maybe it was more than just friendship on her part, too.
Goddess, how I want this woman...
Oh God. Kim Legaspi and being patient. I can only wonder how I professionally muster such a great amount of patience so effortlessly while hardly being able to sit still when I know that a certain sexy redhead is sitting next to me, only a few inches away. Good heavens, I’d just love to draw her close, here in the car, to cover her ivory skin with kisses, to claim her exciting body...
No, stop it, right now! I call myself to order, strictly.
I know I scared her enough already. But I just couldn’t help it. The thought of being so close to her, physically and mentally, without being able to touch her, kiss her, love her, was just unbearable to me. Now that I finally believe that it can, *will* happen, I don’t want any more rushing. After all, I don’t want to frighten her out of her wits. We have time.
I’m praying to each God or Goddess available to have mercy and give me enough patience to do it at her pace...
Finally, we turn into Temple Street. To be honest, I’m not sure how we have gotten here; I only have quite dim memories of hazy lights and vague colors as well as blurred shadowy figures. Have I driven my car? It seems I’ve been floating on a cloud of adrenaline.
I’m looking out for a parking space.
“Over there.” Kerry points. It is the first sentence she has spoken since getting into the car. Her soft voice startles me out of my reverie.
Somehow, I manage to park, get out, and walk around the car in order to open the door for Kerry, but she has already left the car in the meantime. She sends me a questioning look, wondering where to turn.
“Number 305.” I point there.
Together, we approach the stairs. It’s quite steep.
I’m hesitating for a moment. Should I help her? I know, her handicap is her sore point. All the time, she has to prove to the world how independent she is – Dr. Weaver, the always unassailable Chief without any weaknesses.
Bullshit! I step to her right side, willing to provide her support. At first she flinches, but quickly relaxes and leaves me her arm.
It is our first touch since she grabbed my hand in the restaurant – electrifying, even though I don’t sense much more than just the contour of her arm through the thick, this time clean, sleeve of her coat. Kerry faces me, pale underneath the bright red hair, and I see a shy smile on her fine features - for the first time today, I think.
Without a word, we climb the steps, her weight resting sweetly on my arm. What a mark of confidence that she‘s really leaning on me, trusting me instead of her crutch! My heart is melting completely.
Meanwhile, we have reached the door. With some regret, I’m breaking our body contact in order to reach for the front-door key in my pocket. I find it and immediately drop it.
Kerry is looking at me, searchingly.
“Sorry.” I smile at her, apologetically, but she has already realized that I’m not nearly as cool as I meant to be. This woman never misses anything! Again, she smiles at me, this time with a half-amused, half-relieved expression in her lively eyes. She starts to say something, but then decides against it and closes her mouth.
My goodness, we’ve never been so silent before! And yet we’ve come here to talk at peace. Well...
With restless fingers, I put the key in the door. I take a deep breath, open the door, and step inside. Maybe I should have cleared up. However. I make an inviting gesture towards Kerry, well aware of the symbolism of this action. To cross the threshold, to do the step into a new life...
Hey, again, take it slowly! Earth to Kim: we just want to *talk*...
A little guiltily, I make room for Kerry to come in, and close the door behind her.
“May I take your coat?”
“Yeah, thanks.”
I help her out of her coat (after threwing my own carelessly on some hook next to me) and am rewarded with the sight of her well-shaped body without any annoying black or white coat or even scrubs over her personal clothing. Standing there in the hall, she seems a little uncomfortable.
I remember my hostess obligations – by the way, I’m quite happy to have something constructive to do. “What about me making some coffee while you make yourself at home? I’ll give you the full tour later.”
“Sounds like a good idea.” Kerry gives me one more little smile and follows me into the living room.
I point to the CD rack and the stereo set. “Please, feel free to pick any music you’d like to listen to – at least I hope you’ll find something you like,” I add with a wry grin.
Oh yeah, I really hope you will, baby...
Then I disappear into the kitchen. I urgently need some time to recollect myself.
Okay, coffee. This task shouldn’t be too hard to fulfill. I know you can do this, Kim...
But the familiar movements don’t soothe me very much.
Wait a minute – *I* am the experienced lesbian here and, in addition, a psychiatrist!
It doesn’t really help. I’m feeling like a teenager on her first date.
The moment my trembling hands somehow manage to empty half the sugar bowl all over the kitchen table, I decide it’s time to return to the living room. Astonishingly, I succeed in lifting the tray with a coffeepot, two cups, two spoons, the milk, and the unfortunate sugar bowl, without any further accident and even carrying it over to the living room.
There, I come to a halt in the doorframe and enjoy the unfamiliar sight of Kerry in my home – delightful, thrilling. She turns her graceful back on me, obviously absorbed in her examination of the books on my bookshelf.
Now I recognize the music she has chosen: Amanda Ghost with her “Ghost Stories”. I can’t help but smile. Interesting that Kerry has taken this of all CDs...
With a few steps, I have reached the table und put the tray down.
“I’m afraid I have to admit that I’m quite the typical lesbian – at least as far as my music and literature are concerned,” I say, smiling.
She turns around, facing me, with a slightly irritated look on her fine face.
“Why is it that so many of these have a color in their title? ‚The Color Purple‘, ‚Fried Green Tomatoes‘, ‚Silver Lining‘ – do those colors have to do something with lesbians?”
I laugh and step next to her. This is all so new to her...
“That’s interesting, I‘ve never thought of that. Maybe because of the rainbow flag?”
As far as I’m concerned, I like *red* best... The light of the small table lamp is falling on Kerry‘s hair and conjuring magic reflections wandering over the red coppered strands. She’s standing so close to me I can smell her perfume... I’m spellbound.
Slowly, almost mesmerized, I lift my hand to touch it, to touch her...
Kerry is looking at me, her beautiful eyes flickering unsteadily. Before I have a chance to do what I have desired for what seems to be an eternity, she steps back – just a little, but it seems to me as if she has created a great gulf between us once again that I will never be able to cross.
She clears her throat and asks with an almost inaudible shake in her voice: “Umm – can you show me the way to the bathroom, please?”
“Of course...”
I screwed up. Shit. Shit. Shit.

* * *

I flee to the bathroom. Yes, I noticed Kim’s concerned look while she was showing me the way. But I really need some minutes to clear my mind.
I close the door behind me so hastily as if fearing that she might come after me – but actually, I’m not sure if I’m afraid of her. Maybe it’s *me* I’m trying to escape from...
Exhausted, I lean my forehead against the cool wood. The comforting touch gives me support, grounds me. I take a deep breath, sensing the raging whirlpool of my conflicting thoughts and emotions weaken little by little.
A while ago, when Kim suggested going over here in order to talk at peace, I thought this idea to be good, reasonable.
Reasonable? At the moment, I feel anything but that. This is *not* a visit to a ‘friendly co-worker‘, that much is certain. And what do we actually need to talk about? She made very clear what she wants. And me – what do *I* want?
I breathe deeply. I’m not able to think clearly. There’s only one thing I know for sure – and have known for quite a while: I don’t want Kim to leave. Almost without my notice, she has become the most important person in my life.
Right from the very beginning, I had been at ease being with Kim. There’s always been something special between us, something strong, something very intense – something I can’t really name. A certain link – a bond, in a way.
Yes, she’s my friend. But why does my heart beat faster when I’m with her?
Of course, I was not prepared to have her making avances to me – and yes, I have to admit it was quite flattering...
Okay, Weaver. I guess it’s about time you stop fooling yourself and face the truth – this is not just friendship. You’ve never felt something like that for anybody else, neither for the men in your life nor for the women you would call friends. This is different.
I’ve always been looking forward to spend time with Kim, talk with her, laugh with her. I really love to make her smile – this special, radiant smile of hers which lightens up her whole angelic face and makes her sapphire eyes shine so that she looks even more beautiful...
But why does it even matter that Kim is beautiful? In fact, she is the most beautiful woman you have ever seen in your whole life. Why do you care how you look like when you are with her? She compliments you on your looks with contact lenses, and you never wear your glasses again. Since when do you make your face up in advance of meeting a woman – and don’t pretend it was just for the meeting! And when did you ever give a person a gift as expensive – and, by the way, as carefully chosen – as the first edition you gave Kim as a Christmas present? And anyway, don’t tell me it’s normal for you to sing in the shower before seeing anyone! *Rescue me...*
Oh God. Oh my God.
My knees are shaking, and I have to sit down. My feelings threaten to overwhelm me. All those things which have haunted my subconscious mind all the time while I was busy trying to keep them down are coming up with all their might at last.
I remember the kiss – oh God, that kiss! – for about the thousandth time, I must finally confess. So soft and tender – and it scared me to death; not only because it showed me without any doubt how Kim felt about me, but because it showed me how I felt about her, too... At last, I have to admit that I was disappointed when she turned around and left the lounge. This sad expression in her lovely blue eyes made my heart hurt. She looked so vulnerable that moment that I longed to hold her back, to touch her – but I was too frightened.
If only... If Kim knew how many times I wished I had... Oh God, I’ve wanted to kiss her so badly since our ‘second date‘! That moment she put her hand on mine, I was completely lost...
Oh God.
Where do those feelings come from? They’re so strong... How to sort them out? Can it be like that? With a woman? With Kim? This is all so new...
For God’s sake, I’m not a virgin, after all!
I raise my eyes and meet my look in the mirror. A pallid face with unnaturally sparkling eyes and red spots on the cheeks, disharmonizing with the red hair, stares back.
What does Kim see in me, by all means? She’s so beautiful – unbelievably, stunningly beautiful, and, in addition, intelligent, sentient, and funny. She could have anybody else, that much is more than obvious. And of course, there’s plenty of interest – I have noticed a good many glances from both County staff and patients, and sometimes even passes at her – but she’s never shown any interest. She only seems to be interested in me.
*Me.* The dreaded bitch on duty, a lonely loner who is her senior by more than ten years, and who, to crown it all, is handicapped, too... Involuntarily, I grasp my crutch more firmly.
But hey, what’s the good of it? I pull myself up straight. Kim should be sufficiently aware of all that – she knows what she’s up to.
If I only knew, too...
But that can easily be found out.
I give my image in the mirror an encouraging smile – a rather wry grin, but the mere thought counts.
In doing so, my gaze falls on a silky pink something hanging on a hook next to the mirror. I just can’t restrain my curiosity and pull at the soft fabric. Oh, it‘s a robe, cool and dainty. Absent-mindedly, I stroke the delicate garment with my hand. I wonder how Kim looks like wearing it? Involuntarily, I bury my nose in the smooth fabric and inhale deeply. It has a sweet, bewitching scent – unmistakably hers.
All of a sudden, I realize what I’m doing. I take a step back, blushing. Well, Weaver, just carry on like this, you will be getting more than you deserve tonight!
In haste, I unlock the door. But not until I shut it behind me I realize that I‘m standing in Kim’s bedroom. A thrilling feeling, in view of my revolutionary self-knowledge of the last minutes... I go hot and cold with excitement.
Curiously, my eyes range the room. It lies in dim twilight, only lit by a small bedside lamp. Everything makes a slightly chaotic, but comfortable, impression.
The bedclothes are rumpled, pillows and comforters are lying in a disorderly pile somewhere on the mattress or hanging over the edge of the bed.
I wonder how many women have ever spent the night here? I catch myself being jealous of these women who had the privilege to be touched by Kims curvy lips, to feel her tender skin, to breathe in her fragrance... The green-eyed monster – yeah, right.
Hey, Weaver, stop it right here! I can only shake my head at myself. If you know what’s healthy for you, you should really think of other things...
By the way, how much time did I spend in that bathroom? Maybe I should return to the living room before Kim is going to report me missing.

* * *

I‘m standing in the living room, looking out of the window. It‘s dark outside, the dimness only lit by some streetlights and lights coming from the windows of the neigboring houses. People are passing by. Soft music is playing in the background – still the “Ghost Stories”. *Silver lining, I’m bathing in your light...*
A woman is running past me. Her red hair is flashing up under the light of a streetlamp.
I wonder if Kerry is okay? She looked so – upset.
She seemed quite assured before, didn’t she? Or did she?
Oh, fuck.
Hey, Legaspi, you are supposed to be a psychologist, remember? Why do you keep pushing her? Let’s do it at her pace, for God’s sake! Make her feel comfortable – if this is still possible, that is.
And what caused you not to send her to the guest bath next to the entrance door, but to show her the way to your private bathroom – which just happens to lie behind your bedroom? What would Siegmund Freud say? Well, what, indeed – for the dirty pig, everything was a matter of sex!
Yeah, right, and this here doesn’t have to do anything with it at all... I make a mocking grimace.
I even made coffee. Isn‘t ‘Do you want to come up for a coffee?‘ the usual saying for the third date? I wonder if there’s any couple who‘s actually drunk coffee in this particular situation... Well, to be exact, we haven’t drunk coffee just as little. Maybe we should – I guess it may be time to finally talk a little. After all, this is what we‘ve come here for!
I pull myself together. I’m going to get Kerry. And then we’ll talk.
Decidedly, I make my way to my bedroom.
The moment I reach the door, I stand rooted to the spot.
Here she is, standing next to the bed, her hand is absent-mindedly playing with the bedpost. She seems completely lost in thought.
My heart misses a beat, and I gasp softly. What an exquisite feeling to have her in my bedroom... Oh, how I – no! Don’t go there! I chastise myself.
“A penny for your thoughts!” I notice that my voice sounds a little husky, but I try to keep it calm, at least.
She winces, looks up – a little confused, and blushes. Hey, this seems to have been an interesting train of thought...
“I’m not too sure whether I should tell you...” This, with a short glance, partly shy, but also teasing, to some extent.
Oh...
“Okay, tell me everything – every spicy detail.” It gets harder by the minute to keep my voice even.
She laughs, slightly nervously, suddenly eager to get out of here. “Hey, what about the coffee? Must be getting cold.”
I guess that was supposed to be my line... Whatever. I really think a cup to hold on to is just what I need.
“Or would you like something else? What about some wine – maybe a good Chablis?”
Remembrance brings a smile to her lips, even though a nervous one. That day when she told me the sword-swallower story in the restaurant – that memorable day when I made her understand for the first time how I feel about her.
“No, thanks. Coffee will do fine.” She’s already heading towards the door.
“Kerry?”
She turns around. “Yes?” Her unbelievable eyes meet mine. Oh, those eyes... Gods, help me!
“I’m sorry...” I’m afraid my voice sounded cracked at last.
I’m amazed to see her smile. She’s so gorgeous when she smiles...
“Don’t be. I just –” She hesitates for a second, then continues. Her voice is low, but even. “I had to make up my mind about a few things. I guess it’s my turn to say I’m sorry that I ran away.”
I feel great relief. Maybe there’s still hope, after all...
“So, what about coffee?” Kerry’s emerald eyes rest on mine, a faint smile is playing in the corners of her mouth.
“Sorry, I really are a lousy hostess – letting my guest go thirsty!”
She laughs with me, obviously struggling against her – and mine, by the way – medical knowledge that caffeine even withdraws fluid from the body. But this is definitely *not* the right moment for medical discussions.
I pull myself up straight – so to speak – and make an inviting gesture towards the door. “Go ahead – coffee’s waiting.”
Kerry smiles, turns around – and stumbles. Her crutch has gotten caught in the fringes of the carpet I’d wanted to throw out for so long, but have never done. Now I don’t even have the time to regret it.
Instinctively, without any thinking, I jump forward and catch her before she falls down.
The moment my thinking sets in, my breath skips. The significance of what is happening here hits me like a bolt.
I’m holding Kerry Weaver in my arms, for the first time.
I feel her body against me, gracile, petite. It‘s funny, but she never appeared small to me, until now that I’m holding her. I sense the warmth of her skin, smell her sweet scent...
Hey Gods, this is not fair! How the hell am I supposed to restrain myself? I’m *really* trying to keep my self-control, but how to do that, for God’s sake? Legaspi, don’t, don’t, don‘t...
Kerry’s so close to me, only a few inches away.
But this time, much to my amazement, she doesn’t withdraw.
She’s looking at me intensely, her incomparable eyes are wide and dark, her gaze is steady – even though I recognize that she breathes a little irregularly. Very slowly, she raises her left hand and touches my cheek. The gentle contact makes my face tingle.
Then she raises her other hand – only subconsciously I notice her crutch rumbling down to the ground – to the back of my head and pulls me closer to her. I can feel her hot breath on my skin.
The earth stops turning. This can’t be happening. It just can’t...
And then, finally, finally, our lips meet. I think I’m going to pass out.

* * *

What is happening here? What am I doing? What is she doing to me? Is this reasonable? I don’t know.
My crutch is gone – must be laying somewhere on the floor. I don’t care. I don’t need it right now... I sense Kim‘s touch. She’s still holding me in a firm grip, protectively, preventing me from falling down. *Rescue me...*
She’s so close... I feel her warm body against mine, her golden curls brushing my cheek. I smell her perfume, sweet and bewitching.
I can feel her curvy lips brushing mine – so gently.
The soft contact sends a shiver down my spine. This is somehow familiar – like the memory that had been lurking in my mind ever since that day in the lounge...
But this is different. This is not going to end like the first time she kissed me – far from it. This time, I won’t let her go. Today, I’m not shying away.
This feeling is so intense, even stronger than before, stronger than my doubts, my fears. Stronger than me.
I just can’t stand it any more. I’ve been waiting such a long time for this to happen; I couldn’t bear it one more second.
Almost involuntarily, I pull Kim closer. I can feel her catching her breath against my mouth.
I’ve wanted this for so long.
Cautiously, reverently, I let my tongue trace the outline of her voluptuous lips. So soft, so sweet...
She gasps, thunderstruck. But then she willingly opens her mouth, inviting me in.
The moment my tongue finds hers, it’s like a jolt flashing through my body. I can’t think, I can’t breathe, my heart stops beating. But it doesn’t matter. All I can think is that I’m here with her, with Kim, finally – finally.
She‘s so close now, much closer than I ever dreamt she would come – but not close enough.
Oh, how I *need* to feel her, taste her - there’s so much I have to say to her, to show her. I really need to...
Hungrily, as if in fever, my tongue is probing Kim’s hot mouth, exploring of its own accord, our kiss deepening, becoming more urgent, more passionate.
I sense the energy again, it’s floating between us, more powerful than ever before. All those words I’ve wanted to tell her are not necessary any longer. There is a nonverbal communication going on between us, an understanding which doesn’t need any words.
I feel dizzy and light-headed, I really think I have to sit down – I definitely don’t want to faint right now!
Very reluctantly, I pull back to free myself from Kim’s arms for the first time since she caught me.
But the moment I shift my position, a white-hot flash streaks through my body, and I have to muster my whole willpower in order not to cry out.
It’s my bad leg again – of course. There must have been a wrong step when I was stumbling earlier. But why does this have to happen here of all places – now of all times? Well, it wouldn’t be the first time that this thing ruins important moments in my life...
By now I have realized that Kim hasn’t let go of me, but is still holding me tight. Well, I guess otherwise I would’ve fallen down right now.
I don’t dare to look at her, for fear she could notice the pain in my eyes.
I can hear her gentle voice, her breathing still accelerated, but her concern clearly recognizable.
“Kerry, what is it?”
Of course, she didn’t miss it. Damn!
I try to keep my voice firm, but I know I won’t succeed. My whole left side is throbbing with a shooting pain.
“I’m okay...”
She doesn’t buy it. “Kerry, I can see that you are clearly *not* okay!” She sounds slightly offended and indignant at my obvious lie, but mostly worried. Then, in a softer tone: “Is it your leg?”
Oh no... I know this little game. Even though she never seemed to mind, it won’t take long for her to realize that this handicap of mine *is* a real problem. Oh God, why does Kim of all people have to see me like that just now?
“I’m gonna be okay soon. Just let me rest for a minute...” I manage to utter by supreme effort. I feel so humiliated.
But she won’t let me get away. “Kerry, why don’t you lie down a little bit?” Her voice is even softer than before and a little imploring.
I hesitate. I just don’t want her to see me like that, weak, helpless...
“I promise I won’t take advantage of the situation!” Kim does her best to relax the tension with a joke, but I can hear her choked voice.
Never mind. I really can’t stand up any longer. “Okay...”
She seems really relieved. Very carefully, she helps me down onto the bed. I concentrate on breathing regularly until I’m laying on my back. As soon as my legs don‘t have to carry my weight any more, the ache starts to lose in strength. I close my eyes in relief.
Next to me, the mattress gives way. And then I hear Kim’s voice again, soft, cautious. “Kerry, you sure you don’t want a doctor?”
“I think there’s enough doctors in this room...” I murmur with my eyes closed. To see the pity in her eyes would be more than I could possibly bear. Please, don’t argue with me – just let me rest here a little. And maybe, if I keep my eyes closed, the ground will open up and devour me.
“Always stubborn, aren’t you, Dr. Weaver?” The smile in her voice is belied by her obvious concern. But she surprises me by not debating any more.
Instead, I sense my shoes being taken off. And now Kim‘s wonderful hands are on my feet, her strong fingers deftly rubbing the soles. I‘ve always loved foot massages... Her hands wander up, kneading my toes and the back of my feet, very carefully. Then she starts to work her way up my right leg, even more softly – at first calf and tibia, then the hollow of the knee, and afterwards front and back of my thigh. Finally, she massages my hip, soothing my cramped muscles.
I can feel her sensitive fingers deftly working their way along the length of my leg. This feels so good...
And then, imperturbed, she changes over to my left leg.
Of course, I should have seen it coming, but somehow, I was not prepared for this. The moment Kim touches my left calf, I inhale sharply.
Nobody ever did that – never. I wouldn’t let anyone pay any attention to my bad leg. Always that hesitation, the omnipresent silent question if this or that hurt. It was enough being an outsider most of the time. I simply couldn’t stand to feel it in each and every little corner of my life – least of all when it came down to intimacy. Better to cut it out completely than to feel their fear and my pain all the time...
I was so used to have anybody avoiding contact with my leg that Kim’s touch has taken me completely by surprise. Her hands are stroking my thigh, ever so gently, more a tender caress than a medical measure.
She doesn’t hesitate, she doesn’t falter. She’s not afraid to touch me there, she doesn’t fear my imperfection. All I can feel is care and tenderness. She really cares for me...
I open my eyes, finally, and look at her. A range of emotions is playing across Kim‘s face. But I can read no pity in her eyes.
An unknown, warm feeling is flowing through me, embracing me like a sheltering blanket. No more fears, no more doubts – I feel safe and accepted. This feeling is so strong, less physical than the kiss, but not the least bit less intense.
Is this *it*? Is it possible? Oh God, how I wish it was...

* * *

I’m so glad that I’m seated. I don’t trust my knees at all at the moment. How does she do this? She is able to disconcert me again and again. I was not prepared for this.
Here I am, sitting next to Kerry Weaver, who is lying on my bed, and I’m massaging her legs as naturally as if I had never done anything else. I can feel the warmth of her body through the fabric of her pants. I have the feeling I never wanted anybody more badly in my life.
She kissed me. This time, Kerry really kissed me. Our first ”real” kiss. A little shyly, but curiously, she took the initiative. She knew what she was doing this time, she really wanted it, too...
My lips are still tingling, and I can still feel her hot mouth on mine, probing, exploring.
I didn’t dare to fully respond to this assault on my senses – I was not sure at all whether I would ever be able to stop once I had started.
The kiss was so soft, so sweet, yet beneath there was a passion that makes me wonder – not for the first time – how she’ll be like in bed? Well, if you’re a lucky girl, maybe you’ll find out soon...
But then – Legaspi, could you stop thinking about your selfish little self for one moment, please? Kerry is not well right now. She must have been in pain, I could tell. I’m not sure if I shouldn’t take her to hospital, but then, she made it very clear that she doesn’t want to. And actually, I have to confess that I don’t have a great mind to do it. After all, there are about a thousand things I’d rather do to her than driving her to County...
I’m stroking her bad leg, very cautiously, anxious to help her relax, to soothe her muscles, to ease her pain. And it does myself a world of good to touch her... It feels so – natural, like a basic necessity of life. For *me* – and for Kerry? Maybe satisfying this necessity will make her pain go away. I really, really hope so.
I raise my eyes and look at her.
She has straightened herself up on one elbow and is staring at me, her incredible eyes wide open and glistening. There are tears in her eyes.
Oh, no...
Instantly, I pull my hands away like from a hot plate, horrified.
“Did I hurt you? Oh God, I’m so sorry...”
Immediately, she shakes her head, with vehemence. “No”, she whispers, almost inaudibly.
I slide upwards on the bed and take her hand, alarmed. “Kerry, what is it?”
She starts to speak. “I – it’s just that...” Then she becomes silent again, obviously struggling with herself, but she doesn’t seem to find the right words.
She just keeps looking at me intently. This look... I have the feeling she’s able to see my very soul.
Suddenly, I feel naked. No more masks, no more hiding. It’s me, my inner self that she’s looking at. And it’s *Kerry* who looks at me. The expression on her face – it has nothing to do with ‘Dr. Weaver’ any more. At all. These are the eyes of a girl, the shy, lonely, frightened young Kerry who didn’t allow herself to be a child very long.
This is what she was keeping inside so carefully, behind her wall of strength. I’ve never seen this vulnerability in her before.
She trusts me. She’s willing to show me her inner self.
I have to swallow, suddenly unable to speak.
Kerry hasn’t taken her eyes off me the whole time. Now I see a teardrop running down her cheek.
My heart tightens in my chest. Suddenly I feel the urge to protect her, heal her pains, make her grievous past go away.
Gently, I reach for her face. With my thumb I wipe away the lonely tear. No more crying – not if I can help it... Then, I let my mouth follow my finger and tenderly kiss away the moisture on Kerry’s cheek.
Not willing to break the contact, I let my lips brush her forehead, then the other cheek, her chin, her nose. And finally, her mouth. Very softly, I kiss her lips, now wet and salty from her tears – not in order to rush her, but to show her that I’m here for her.
But Kerry responds immediately. It seems like she had only waited for my caress.
She grabs the back of my head with both hands, falling back onto the bed and pulling me with her till I’m almost lying on top of her, never breaking the kiss in the meantime.
Her lips are tasting, her teeth are nibbling, her tongue is playing in my mouth, greedily devouring me. Her hands are roaming my head and my shoulders, devastating my hair.
I’m very conscious of her body under me, her breasts pressing against mine.
This is when my desire comes over me so hard it almost takes my breath away.
Now Kerry‘s beautiful hands are wandering downwards, and I can feel her delicate fingers trying to unbutton my blouse – an action which is made more difficult by the fact that there is really very little space between us, but made easier by the fact that it’s already almost completely open. I wonder why... Her nails are lightly scraping the bare flesh of my neckline.
A hot shiver goes up and down my spine.
It would be so easy to surrender, to abandon myself to this pleasure, to melt into her. So easy – and so tempting...
But there’s a little voice inside my head forcefully demanding my attention. What if she doesn’t... I couldn’t possibly bear being rejected by her once more. But I have to be sure. Well, it seems like eventually the psychiatrist is getting the better of me – a little late, actually. But at least it helps me gathering the final remains of my self-control. I’m really surprised to find that there‘s actually still any left at all. It costs me a great effort to free myself and sit up.
“Kerry...” I mouth with something which is supposed to be my voice but sounds much too ragged for me to recognize it.
She sits up as well. Her dishevelled hair, flushed cheeks, and sparkling eyes make her look more adorable than ever. But her expression shows a mixture of confusion and embarassment. Suddenly shy and insecure, she opens her mouth to speak breathlessly. “What is it, Kim? Did I... Did I do anything wrong?”
Oh, yes. If causing my palms to sweat, my brain to spin, my heart to race, my blood to boil, and my whole body to ache with desire is wrong, then you did, yes. Definitely.
I’m reaching out to take her hand. “Oh no, Kerry, it felt just wonderful!” I manage to utter, maybe a little too ardently. But I’m glad to see her relax noticeably. “It’s just that – I have to be sure that this is really what you want. I couldn’t bear the thought for you to regret it later. Are you really sure you want this?” I know I’m not smiling, but this is *not* a game.
Kerry looks at me, her eyes are of the darkest green I’ve ever seen. “Yes, I do”, she whispers. “Yes, I want this – I want *you*.”
At her words, I feel a stream of wetness exploding between my legs. Oh God, Kerry. I want you, I want you, I want you so much. I want to take you right here, right now...
“But let’s take it a little more slowly, okay?” Did *I* just say that? “I want to make this special for you. What do you think about a nice massage first?”

* * *

Sex was never easy for me. The question of trust always used to get in the way. Yes, most of the time it was quite good, and sometimes really great, but each time it cost me quite some effort to open up, to give myself to them. Even if – even *though* I knew that those men didn’t intend to hurt me, I needed some time to overcome my hesitation. I’ve always hated feeling so vulnerable.
I never knew – I had absolutely no idea how it could be to desire a person so much it makes you dizzy with eager anticipation, let alone the fact that it was another woman I would have this feeling for. But I do. Oh God, I do.
I want Kim to touch me, want to sense her beautiful hands on my bare skin. Her elegant hands with those long, slender fingers... Funny, they were the first thing I noticed about her, even before I realized her shining blue eyes and her amazingly gorgeous smile.
And there it is again. Her eyes are sparkling so bright it seems like they are illuminating the whole room. Her voluptuous, full lips – the memory of their taste makes my mouth go dry – show that incredible smile of hers I never seem to grow tired of watching. The corners of her mouth are curling so sweetly...
“Kerry?”
I start up from my reverie, a little embarrassed. “Yes?”
Now she’s smiling broadly, yet lovingly at me. I can feel my heartbeat. It seems like I can never get used to her looking at me that way.
“You still with me?”
Did she ask me anything? I don’t remember. All I can think of is Kim’s beautiful face, her tender voice, her exciting kisses, her warm body close to mine...
Now she’s laughing fully at my confusion – obviously amused, but there’s something else as well. Excitement? Arousal?
I look at her intently and see her heated face, her shining eyes, her chest rising and falling with her accelerated breath. Evidently, she wants this as much as I do...
“I asked you if you’d like me to massage you?”
Well, I guess this means I have to take my clothes off.
Oh, Weaver, this is so silly. Why the hesitation? One minute ago, your fondest wish was to be ravished by Kim, to lose yourself in her embrace – and now, you’re afraid to undress in front of her?
But what if she won’t find me attractive? She’s so beautiful...
“Kerry??” Kim is not laughing any more, concern has returned to her voice.
I pull myself together and finally manage to answer. “Yes, that’d be great.”
Quickly, with my back to her, I take off my sweatshirt and after that, my T-shirt. I can’t bring myself to remove my bra – not yet.
Then, I take a deep breath, lie down on my belly, close my eyes, and await the things to come.

* * *

I’ve been fantasizing about Kerry for weeks, despite my own prohibitions to do so – which my inner psychiatrist has been roaring with laughter about, of course. I remember last night in the shower when my restless fingers could’t take it any longer – those long, heated moments, thinking of her slender-boned hands, imagining what her strong, skilful fingers would be capable of...
All those day and night dreams I had of making love to her – sometimes they were slow and intense, sometimes wild and passionate, yet each time very, very hot. But never in my dreams I had this deep feeling of tenderness which overcomes me right now when I look at her lying before me.
I could tell undressing was hard for her – I don’t know if I should laugh or cry watching her efforts not to appear naked in front of me. It must be hard for her to give up control – her most precious thing in life, it seems. So vulnerable now...
I would never do anything you don’t want me to, I promise her silently. I won’t hurt you.
She looks so lovely, lying prone on my bed, her creamy white skin gleaming in the twilight.
Some of my fantasies were about undressing her. Sometimes I ran my hands slowly about the front of her blouse, opening one button after the other and lightly grazing her hardening nipples in the process – sometimes we were kissing, urgently, breathlessly, impatiently, till I, inflamed with passion, couldn’t bear it any longer, grabbed her blouse with both hands and ripped it open so that the buttons flew in all directions...
Thank God she’s not wearing the tight, light blue blouse she was wearing that night of our ‘second date’ – or even that incredible purple blouse from the day we went to the lecture! I honestly don’t know if I could have restrained myself otherwise...
Right now, all she’s wearing in the bust is a bra made of white silk. Who would have thought that the reasonable Dr. Weaver has a weakness for luxury? Well, she’s a woman with many surprises, after all. No doubt, I’m going to discover some more of them than most people are allowed to...
The silk is gleaming in the soft light, but it is put to shame by Kerry’s porcelain skin. I’m captivated by its beauty – *her* beauty. Oh God, she has freckles on her arms! I know I just have to kiss each and every little spot.
And I will. Later.
Now, I’m going to concentrate on the task at hand. Starting with...
”May I open your bra?” I ask, a little too breathlessly. ”It’s easier for the massage”, I hasten to add.
A short hesitation and a deep breath for her part – I’m fascinated by watching those muscles moving beneath that perfection of her skin – and then, softly: ”Yes. Of course...”
Why are my hands suddenly trembling again? And, which is even more astonishing, how do I manage to undo her bra in only one attempt?
I don’t remove it completely, but leave it to her to decide if and when she wants to do it. Instead, I get up, turn around, and open the drawer of my bedside table. Just don’t look at her right now...
When I sit down next to her again, with the massage oil in my hand, the bra is vanished. Kerry Weaver is lying in front of me, half-naked, her arms next to her flanks.
I swallow. I’m dying to touch her bare skin, I just *have to*...
But first, I must get rid of this bothersome blouse of mine. It’s completely open anyway, so I shrug it off in one single movement, to leave only my black tank top behind. Okay, that’s better.
I uncork the pretty glass bottle, pour some of its fragrant contents into my palm, and rub it in my hands in order to warm it. The spicy scent of cinnamon is starting to fill the air.
I look at Kerry. Her beautiful skin has a soft glow about it in the dim light. Irresistible...
Suddenly aware that I’ve been holding my breath, I let the air out slowly. Don’t forget to breathe, I remind myself wryly. This time she did nothing to cause this, and yet I’m undone, again.
One more deep breath, and then it finally happens: I touch her naked flesh.
The moment I feel her warm skin beneath my hands, I have a feeling like a spark lightning which makes the energy between us blaze brightly. It’s so strong that I have to gasp for air. I wonder if Kerry is feeling it as well?
Of course she is. After she has kept very still for some minutes, she is moving now, turning her face towards me. The look on her face – a bit surprised, a bit confused, but also a bit tender – makes my heart beat faster.
And then the corner of her mouth is curling up into an ironic grin, and she mockingly asks: ”Are you going to give me a massage or not?”
Yes – right. Massage...
I rub the oil in my hands once again, and tenderly start to massage Kerry’s back.
The strain in her muscles belies her coolness. I guess I have to calm her down.
Soothingly, I rub the cinnamon oil into her skin in long, soft strokes, enjoying the sensation. After a while, I can feel her relax bit by bit. Good. Now I can start in earnest. I let my hands glide up to Kerry’s shoulders and at once feel the numerous knots there.
Tentatively, I start to knead the tensed spots and immediately hear a stifled moan of pain.
”You work too much”, I state, at once reducing the pressure of my hands.
A small sigh is my answer to that remark. ”I know...”
I mentally slap myself. Why on earth do I have to remind her of work?
”I’m sorry, Kerry. Actually, I want you to think of more pleasant things than work... Just relax, okay?”
”Hm-hmmm...” Obviously, she is more than willing to do just that. Great... I’m continuing my efforts. A little more firmly than before again, I’m working my way down her side, kneading the tenseness out of her tortured muscles. Her right side is especially worn out. No wonder – this is where she uses to lean on her crutch. I touch her very carefully there, wanting to ease the pain of her everyday life.
But to tell the truth, I don’t need any other reason to touch her than touching itself. It feels so good – and I really hope it does for her, too...

* * *

This feels so good. I guess that if Kim is going to keep this up any longer, I’ll actually start to purr... After having left the painful part behind us when she was kneading the hard knots in my back and shoulders, the massage began to be really pleasant. Now she’s touching me much more softly. I don’t know how long she’s been busy massaging me – minutes, hours, days? But it could have been weeks, and still I wouldn’t want it to stop. I’m just enjoying it so much.
At first, it was a little embarassing for me. I felt naked. Hm, maybe that is because I’ve *been* naked – well, half-naked, at least... But Kim has done her best to make me relax, an effort which has been entirely successful – no wonder, I suppose she is successful in everything the does. After all, she is a woman with many gifts. Involuntarily thinking about what some of her less known gifts might be makes my heart go faster...
I have to do something to prevent myself from relapsing into the tension from before. I’m clearing my throat. ”You sure you haven’t missed your occupation? You definitely should’ve become a masseuse...”
I hear a soft chuckle. ”Well, perhaps I still can? But only for very special patients...” Her voice has become low, seductive.
I can feel a hot shudder running down my spine. I guess the idea to distract myself was not so effective after all – especially with the constant touch of Kim’s hands on my skin...
But all the time, she hasn’t stopped the massage, and gradually, the even movements calm me and my wild imagination somewhat. It’s just too relaxing...
I close my eyes and concentrate on Kim’s touch. It feels wonderful – natural, somehow. The regular strokes are really soothing. She starts at my spine and works her way to the outside, from my shoulders to my waist. In – outwards, in – out, in – out... The sensation reminds me of waves, the ocean. It’s like I’m lying on the beach, the breakers softly surging against me. I can almost hear the screams of the seagulls and smell the salty sea air. The sun is shining, warming my body, which is used to the bitter cold of Chicago.
Sometime we have to go to the shore together...
*We*. How easily this word has come to my mind lately. But it’s true: all those things I’d loved to do by myself are no real fun any more. More and more often I’ve caught myself thinking ‘if I could only do this with Kim...’
Well, I guess there’s a lot more I could do with her... The thought makes me blush heavily. Thank God Kim can’t see my face at the moment!
But one thing is clear by now: I want it to happen. Yes, I really do.
Just one more moment – or two...

* * *

I’ve lost track of how long I’ve been doing this, just touching her. I’ve been dreaming about it much too long to be willing to give it up too fast now.
After I spent a good part of my energy to remove the worst knots from Kerry’s muscles, I let the medical treatment blend into a softer touch. I started to caress her back in long, soft strokes. Now I realize that I’m drawing little patterns on her skin, all the way up to the back of her neck, where there’s an irresistible gathering of little dark spots. The pleasant cinnamon fragrance of the massage oil is mixing with the sweet scent of her skin.
This is enough – more than enough – to deprive me of the last little bit of my pathetic self-control. I *have* to taste her skin. It feels like a law of nature.
I bent forward and touch her neck with my lips. Immediately, I can feel Kerry’s breath, which went very slowly and regularly before, come to a halt, before it continues, a little faster now.
I let my mouth wander over the warmth of her skin, tender little butterfly kisses at first.
Then I can’t resist any more. I let my tongue follow the path of my lips, leaving a moist trail on the shiny skin. Just love that edible oil – it makes me want to devour Kerry even more than I did anyway. And I start right now. With open-mouth kisses, I caress every inch of her neck, using my lips, tongue and even teeth to make her enjoy the new sensation.
She’s moaning now, and even louder when I bit her harder than I intended to. I’m just a human being, and it’s hard to believe that I’m still even slightly able to control myself. It’s somehow satisfying, though – I actually want to leave a mark on the perfect skin, make her mine.
Gods, how I want her...

* * *

I’m burning. Everywhere Kim touches me she leaves a trace of fire on my skin.
I still don’t understand how strongly my body reacts to her caresses. It’s more than just my body, though – it feels like the last part of me had finally clicked after head and heart already had a long time ago.
This is what I was hoping for all my life, I realize that now, finally.
Always living with this longing for something, something else, something more – nagging, tormenting, but never knowing what it is all about. Spending all my life without my wish coming true... Sometimes it becomes so unbearable that I think I have to cry, or scream, or just go crazy. Work helps, sometimes. But sometimes it would become so agonizing that even drinking wouldn’t help. A yearning which is impossible to drown, quite apart from impossible to kill. So painful...
How could I *not* know what would be the only remedy?
Kim is showing me this, proving it, now, at this moment.
My body is going up in flames. My nerve endings are so overexcited that I could scream with joy every time she touches my skin.
And it seems like she has the intention to touch every inch of it, kissing, caressing, licking, biting. If she doesn’t have mercy, I’m going to explode, I’m sure.
Is it possible to have an orgasm if someone merely caresses your rear side? I feel like I’m goint to find out very soon...
Suddenly, I feel something hot and wet in my ear – her tongue. I gasp sharply at this new sensation. Is this woman willing to drive me crazy? Well, she’ll definitely get it.
Oh God, just how couldn’t I know...
This is torture, but oh so sweet...

* * *

I’m kneeling above Kerry and caressing her everywhere and however I can in this position. On every spot where my naked arms touch her bare skin, it seems like a spark is spraying, wonderfully electrifying, exciting.
I can tell she’s enjoying my actions. But making love to her ear is not enough, not nearly. There’s so much more I want to do to her. And I guess it’s time.
”Kerry, honey, why don’t you turn around?”
I don’t know if she was able to understand what I said to her at first – after all, I’m not even sure if I said it aloud. But then she stirs a bit.
I regret to have to get up, but there’s nothing for it; I have to so she’s able to move. This is laughable – it’s hardly bearable for me to be physically separated from her only for a few seconds. That’s almost scary. Goddess...
Suddenly, I sense Kerry’s hesitation. I understand – I guess. It must feel to her like this is the last step, the final opportunity to change her mind.
But I don’t want her to be afraid, don’t want her to feel even more vulnerable. Which means that I don’t want her to be the only undressed person in this room. Well, those annoying clothes have been bothering me much too long anyhow...
It takes me about twice as long to get rid of my pants (where have my shoes vanished, anyway?) as I normally need – and it’s *not* because I don’t actually want to take it off! It’s just that my trembling fingers betray me as I feverishly try to unzip and remove it. Thank Goddess it’s easier to remove those socks of mine and the tank top. I’m not wearing any bra, which leaves only the panties. But I think maybe I should keep them on for the time being.
When I look up, I see Kerry sitting on the edge of the bed, in the same state of undress as me.
I regret for a split second that *I* was not the one to undress her, but I certainly will, next time.
Now I can only stare at her. Kerry looks completely and utterly irresistible. She’s still breathing a little hard, and her cheeks are flushed – a fascinating contrast to her pale skin, which is shimmering in the semi-darkness. She looks so graceful, her petite limbs just in the right proportion to her feminine curves. I knew she had beautiful breasts, full and round. After all, she has the most incredible cleavage I’ve ever seen...
I drink in her beauty. I think I’ll never grow tired of watching her.
She’s smiling at me, a nervous little smile which reveals her insecurity.
Finally I have regained my voice – which was really necessary because I have something very important to say. ”You’re so beautiful...”
And that’s what I’m going to prove her. I will show her how I feel about her. Right now.

* * *

I can’t believe what Kim just said to me. How can someone so beautiful tell me that *I* am?
She’s standing in front of me, now almost totally naked – just like me. But she looks completely stunning. Her tall, slim figure is now shown to its fullest advantage, the long, slender arms and those endless legs, her narrow waist, and her small breasts, so firm and shapely, all this seems absolutely divine. Her blonde curls are shining like gold, and her wonderful blue eyes are sparkling brightly in the soft light. She’s smiling at me, so affectionately.
She looks like an angel. A merciful angel who has come to rescue me...
Half-dreaming, I almost have to resist the temptation to look for the wings on her back.
But then, I don’t think any angel can be so sexy. And I’m certain that no angel will ever be allowed to look at any human being like she’s looking at me...
Suddenly, I sense that she spoke the truth; she really means what she said. I can clearly see the desire in her eyes.
I guess the feeling must be mirrored on my own face; for Kim is looking at me intently for a moment, then she kneels down before me.
She is only a few inches away from me, but it seems like miles to me, since she doesn’t touch me. But I want her to touch me, feel her body against mine.
I want to touch her.
And then I do.
I lift my hand (it is trembling, but I can’t take this into consideration; I have to be brave now) and put it on Kim’s bronze-colored forearm. Slowly, I let it wander up her arm, enjoying every second of it. Her skin is so soft, so smooth...
I will never stop touching her any more, I just can’t.
So busy am I with my task that Kim surprises me by catching my inquiring hand and pressing her curved lips against my palm. It’s a gesture of so much tenderness that I’m overwhelmed for a moment. I have to close my eyes to take it in.
When I can feel her lips against mine once more, I’m lost. Completely.
This is it.

* * *

So close now, also physically.
I’d never thought that such a simple touch could be so erotic, but on the other hand, I guess that only watching Kerry could turn me on to a point where I wouldn’t be responsible for my actions any more.
By now, only our lips are touching. Our kiss is soft and tender – still, but I can sense her desire.
This time she won’t let me go, but this is fine with me – *more* than fine. I have not the slightest intention to anyway. Not that I even could. My head is spinning. All I am able to do is kissing Kerry.
Our kiss is deepening fast as she opens her mouth to take me in, this time in a much more determined way. There’s the passion that I love so much about her. She know what she wants, and she’s going to get it.
She seizes the back of my head to pull me closer, and I respond immediately, searching for more contact myself.
And then our bodies touch, skin to skin, at last without any annoying clothing between us.
Feeling her breasts against mine makes me gasp for breath. Kerry’s nipples are as erect as mine, as clear sign of her arousal. As if I needed any more proof...
She’s pressing against me, kissing me breathlessly, urgently, exploring my mouth with her tongue, and this time I’m more than glad to follow the pace which she’s setting.
When I finally break the kiss to take a deep breath, I can hear a protesting whimper, which soon turns into a soft moan when I start to kiss her neck. Nibbling and licking along her throat, I linger a while at the little scar down her neck. She’s never tole me how she got it. Someday I’ll ask her about it. Right now, I prefer to concentrating on caressing it, though.
Not able to be ‘separated’ from her for too long, I make my way up to claim her mouth again, plundering it wildly, while my hands slide down her flanks, almost of their own accord.
She trembles at my assault, so I decide to slown a little once again.
My hands have reached her thighs now and linger there to caress the soft skin. When my fingertips touch a small unevenness, I can feel her go tense for a second, breaking the kiss.
Looking down, I can see a long white scar on her leg, probably from an operation. I stroke it with my fingers and then press my mouth against the spot, caressing it with my lips, in the irrational hope to make all the pain she already had to suffer, physically as well as emotionally, go away. If I can’t, I want to make her feel good right now, at least...
Kerry’s body is still feeling tense, but I can tell that this state isn’t due to any uneasiness, but arousal. Well, I can definitely do something about that...
I decide it’s time for her to lie down.
Softly pushing her back, I start my actions in earnest.

* * *

I feel so intoxicated that I hardly realize what’s happening – I almost don’t know what Kim is doing to me. All I know is that it feels incredibly good.
She’s leaving a red-hot trail of desire on my flesh in each place she touches.
It’s been such a long time since I last felt like this... No, that’s wrong. I *never* felt so wonderful in my entire life.
Kim is so close to me now. She’s straddling my waist, even though not touching my flesh there, only hovering above me. Her long curls brush against my face and neck when she bends down to kiss me again. I have never seen her eyes look so dark, the pupils dilated. No doubt that I look exactly the same.
She catches my lips again, and I welcome her mouth with impatience.
I pull her closer, and that’s when out breasts touch, her nipples grazing mine. We gasp simultaneously. The assault on my senses is so violent that I can feel it in every fiber of my body.
I want to touch her there. Never before did I feel the need to touch the breasts of another woman, but I do now. I’d been craving this much too long; now that I have it, I can’t get enough of it – of her. I reach up to cup her breasts with my hands, which makes her breathe in sharply. As I start to caress her already hard nipples with my palms and my fingers, she’s rapidly losing her self-control, starting to moan loudly, her back arched in order to press more firmly against my eager hands. Almost unconsciously I press my leg between hers, moving it up and down to help her efforts.
I can feel how wet she is – the essence of her desire for me.
She looks just breath-taking, her eyes closed, completely abandoned, long past the point of no return.
This is so powerful. I was so afraid I might not know what to do or do the wrong things, but gone are all my fears. I sense what is right, what Kims wants, what she needs.
I know she needs release, desperately so. When I grab her ass to support her grinding hips, I feel she’s almost there.
And so am I. My whole body has been aching with need. The moment Kim’s shivering body collapses in my arms, pushes me over the edge as well.
This is unbelievable.

* * *

Slowly drifting back into reality, I feel immensely satiated, very relaxed, quite exhausted, and also a little ashamed. I wanted to make this special to her – wanted her to enjoy it. And see what happened...
Opening my eyes, I see that Kerry is lying next to me, watching me, smiling at me in an almost heartbreaking way.
”Kerry, I’m so sorry...”
Now she seems a bit confused. ”Why? I don’t –”
I feel embarrassed and stupid. After all, there’s more to tell her. This was incredibly intense, just wonderful. I’m still glowing... ”Thank you”, I whisper.
Instead of giving me a verbal answer, she surprises me by kissing me, in such an erotic way that my whole body is immediately set on fire again.
But now I want her to feel how she makes me feel.
Before she can take action again, I have turned her on her back again, taking charge. Amazingly enough, she lets it happen readily.
I don’t lose any time now, returning her kiss with so much passion that she has to break it soon to gasp for breath. I use the opportunity to let my hand trail a path down her neck between her breasts, down to her navel, only to let my mouth follow it after that. My mouth lingers there to play with her belly button.
She’s breathing rapidly. Good. I’m satisfied with myself.
I make my way up, this time on the outside of her breasts, but I only graze them instead of making full contact. This makes her whimper with a mixture of arousal and frustration.
So I take pity on her, drawing circles around her breasts which become closer with each round, but leaving out her nipples at first, though. This makes her plea involuntarily, needing more. ”Please...”
Kerry’s imploring request makes me shudder with desire. Of course I will...
I lower my head, keen on my destination, the pink bud, which is already hard as a rock.
A short flick with my tongue elicits a sharp gasp from her.
When I repeat this act on the other side, she moans softly – a sound which is growing in intensity when I intensify my ministrations by playing with her sensitive nipples, alternately licking and sucking them and then caressing them with my hands.
I can tell I’m driving her wild; by now she’s groaning loudly and arching her back towards me.
When I look at her, I’m aching with want myself anew. I don’t think I have ever seen anything as sexy in my whole life.
I guess it’s time to get rid of those panties of hers. When I get my hands on the white silk, I notice it’s soaking wet. I amost tear the delicate material in my impatient attempt to help her take that thing off, but I’m just too eager to reach what is underneath.
Having feverishly completed this task, I’m rewarded with by the overwhelming sight of a completely naked, breathless Kerry, covered with sweat, who’s writhing and moaning and practically begging me for more.
I didn’t know that it would be possible to be turned on even more, but it obviously is. I’m feeling like my system is overloaded and I’m going to explode any second.
But now I want *her* to...
I can have to concentrate on my ultimate goal at last: making her happy.
I reach down to touch the delicate skin of her inner thighs, stroking the soft flesh, only a few inches away from where she needs me most.
Rocking her hips, she’s desperately trying to get me there until I can’t bear the teasing any more myself. I let my fingers brush through the moist red curls till I finally find what I’ve been looking for: the small rosy pearl of her womanhood. Right now, it is the most precious jewel in the world for me.
Oh Gods, how I want to taste her there...
And that’s what she wants, too. I can tell she’s more than ready for it.
The moment I touch her, she’s already close to the edge. But I want her to enjoy our love-making as much as possible.
As carefully as I ever can, I caress her hot center with my fingers, my lips and my thirsty tongue, enjoying her very own smell and taste. The more my arousal grows, the more urgent my efforts become, licking, sucking, tasting. Please come for me, baby...
She’s in complete ecstasy by now, not able to coherent speech any more.
”Yes – o God... Kim...”
Kerry is moaning my name. I come, without even touching myself.
This is just incredible.

* * *

This is bliss, pure, simple bliss.
I don’t know where I am, but this is definitely not on earth. It must be heaven.
It has to be, since I know that Kim is here with me. In fact, I can feel her everywhere, around me, on me, in me. I can’t even tell where she ends and I begin.
I don’t want this to end ever – but I need it to end soon. The flames threaten to consume me alive otherwise.
But I feel so free now, like running – no, flying. High above the clouds, up to the sun.
And Kim is here, too.
Together – together.
I know I won’t fall because she’s going to protect me. I feel safe; I know nothing can happen to me as long as she’s with me.
It feels like home.

* * *

I know it can’t be love – not yet. It’s too early, *way* to early for that.
I can feel a stir next to me, and Kerry opens her eyes, at last. Instinctively, I raise my hand to brush a strand of red hair from her sweaty forehead.
Her cheeks are still flushed, and she looks absolutely worn out, but I’ve never seen her so relaxed, so happy. So incredibly beautiful...
She looks at me, smiling, her unbelievable green eyes bright with all the newborn miracles.
And tomorrow is far away.

The End – or rather: The Beginning...

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